Are you getting what you need?
I am sure that you have heard the saying, “you can’t always get what you want”.
Well, what would you say if I tell you that getting what you want isn’t your choice?
Please allow me to explain.
In my continuing effort to understand what we need to succeed, I have realized that having great relationships, whether is with work, food or other people, it is a must if we want to reach our highest potential.
Therefore, what do we really need to achieve that?
Getting our needs met is what helps us stay committed to our work, keeps us next to our spouses and partners, and helps us stick with a diet and a lifestyle.
Whether you are aware of what you need or not, you will constantly pursue these needs on a daily basis. You need food, water, clothes and shelter. You also need to be validated, heard, touched, loved and needed.
We also have moral needs that need to be met on a daily basis. A few examples of moral needs are trust, honesty, respect and equality. Meeting all of these needs is not our choice, and we cannot put them on hold, or on the back burner.
Basically, getting what you need is the currency of any relationship, and something you will pursue regardless of your gender, race, age or culture.
The less you are getting what you need, the less chance there is that your relationships will work. The more you fulfill these needs, the happier you are.
Whether it is food and shelter, love and self-esteem, or respect and status, getting what we need is what motivates us to wake up, work, exercise, meet new people and even fall in love. As soon as we meet one of these basic human needs, we move on to fulfilling the next one, and then the next one and so on. We are constantly pursuing one need or another at any given time. That is the human condition.
While the physical and emotional needs act like a magnet, our moral needs are the glue that keeps a relationship going. What do I mean by this?
Our moral needs are something we acquire from our life experiences, culture, race, and background, just to name a few examples of factors that influence our thinking and make us who we are.
Personalities are part genetics, part environmental. Half is who you were born, and half is what you have learned.
However, some of us still make the mistake of assuming that our physical, emotional or moral needs are the same. That is how conflict is born. It comes from expecting your partner to think like you, act like you and eventually be like you. Not if, but when that fails, it puts you in the right, and your partner in the wrong, or vice-versa. That is a recipe for relationship disaster.
Since everyone is looking for the same thing, when two people meet, they shouldn’t question their need for love from each other.
Instead, they should teach each other, by talking about how each views love, respect, trust, equality and honesty.
Since these moral needs are important to everyone, how do we explain the fact that some people in relationships fail to deliver them to their partner?
Well, they actually don’t fail to deliver them. They deliver the same product, just with a different cover. Love is love. It is the same in Germany and in Brazil. However, people express it with different colors and in different languages. The same goes with trust, loyalty and respect.
For example, loyalty is based on mutual gain. When that ceases to exist, loyalty ceases to exist.
Also, you should never ask someone to love you or to respect you. Instead, teach them how to love you, and show them respect.
Everyone is different and so is their way of showing love and respect. Since people come from different places and have different backgrounds, their love and respect can also be expressed differently. The same goes with equality and trust. You shouldn’t demand that someone trust you. You can only gain their trust. And, you can’t expect equality if you don’t behave as an equal. These are just some examples of relationship principles.
Again, relationships are all about learning from, and about each other. Your goal isn’t necessarily to agree with your partner, but rather to understand where they’re coming from. In a relationship, it’s not about whether or not you are getting what you want from your partner. It is about your ability to communicate your needs while trying to understand your partner’s. It’s about accepting each other as a whole.
Wanting to love and to be loved can bring two people together. However, coming from the same place, speaking the same language and seeing things from the same point of view is what keeps them together.
Understanding where your partner is coming from and what they need, along with being true to yourself, are the keys to a successful relationship.
Whether or not you want to go after what you need isn’t your choice, and it’s not your partner’s choice. However, getting what you need is a must if you want to reach your highest potential and have a successful relationship. .
Thank you and good luck.
Leo Frincu is a world wrestling champion, author, speaker and performance coach for business leaders and athletes worldwide. To learn more about his training philosophy, check out his latest book, “WELCOME HOME, 3 Simple Steps On How To Reach Your Highest Potential,” available on Amazon and iBooks.