I’m so pissed off. I can’t believe she said that! How could he do that to me? What were they thinking? Unacceptable.
Everything was going so well when she suddenly decided to drop the bomb on me. What did she mean when she said we weren’t compatible? I completely disagree with her.
Whether personal or professional, many of us find ourselves in situations where things don’t go our way. You were so happy five minutes ago, but suddenly now you’re disappointed, sad and even angry.
As soon as I heard the bad news, I rushed to blame her for how I felt. I thought she was responsible for my pain. If she wouldn’t have said that, I’d still be happy right now. If it was up to me, we would have been together forever. We would have, simply because I wanted to be happy. Instead, I felt disappointed and sad. Maybe I even took it up a notch and feel angry, perhaps even furious enough to break a plate or two.
Upon reflection, I think I deserve to be mad. Anyone in my same situation would be mad too. After all I’ve done for her? Ok, now I’m angry. I’ve finally accepted that this is how I want to feel – angry and furious. I deserve to allow myself to feel this way.
I am now exactly where I want to be. But wait, since this is my choice, why don’t I feel satisfied with feeling exactly how I wanted to feel? Isn’t this how I decided to feel? Isn’t this where I wanted to be?
Well, yes Leo, I agree that it’s your choice, and I see that you are exactly where you want to be; however, the reason you don’t feel good about your choice is that you believe someone else is responsible for how you feel. You think she’s the reason you feel angry and therefore, is responsible for your pain.
Leo, you justify your right to be mad but somehow you fail to accept responsibility for how you feel.
You blame her for how you feel as if it was her choice, not yours. Instead of feeling bad for feeling angry, you should be proud of yourself for exercising your rights. You need to identify a way to feel good for feeling exactly how you want. Stay in control of your feelings by taking full responsibility for how you feel.
Leo, don’t be angry and then feel guilty about it. Embrace your anger by taking responsibility for feeling it, rather than by trying to reject it and blame others. Don’t let guilt steal your joy of being angry. Stop blaming others for making you feel sad, or angry, or disappointed, and start asking yourself – what are the benefits of feeling this way?
– Have you ever considered that feeling this way will ensure you’ll be treated the way you want to be treated?
– Have you ever wondered what the real reason was for feeling disappointed, or angry?
– Have you ever thought that your own expectations, the ones you established for yourself, are the reason and at the root of how you feel?
When answering these questions, disregard everyone, as if no one is responsible for how you feel but you. Disappointment is the currency of having higher standards. That’s how you pay for failing to meet them. Anger is the enforcer of these higher standards, and sadness is the healer when you experience pain as a result of your failed expectation. Don’t feel guilty for feeling this way and don’t blame others either. You feel entitled to have your feelings, but you need to start taking responsibility not only when you feel joy, but also when you feel pain. I believe that’s the only way you can understand what you feel and enjoy it at the same time.
As I’m learning about my anger, I slowly start enjoying my feelings. Instead of being bothered by my pain, I start to enjoy feeling it. Instead of running away from feeling it, I turn around and head straight towards it. My pain doesn’t hurt as much as it did before. I’ve learned that pain hurts more when we don’t understand where it comes from. Pain is more difficult to handle when we blame someone else for causing it. As we feel disappointed, angry or sad, it is more painful once we decide that it’s by someone else’s choice, rather than ours. I’m still pissed off; however, I’m enjoying my anger now that I understand who’s truly responsible for causing it. I still disagree with her; however, I agree with how I feel.
Leo Frincu is a world wrestling champion, author, speaker and performance coach for business leaders and athletes worldwide. To learn more about his training philosophy, check out his latest book, “WELCOME HOME, 3 Simple Steps On How To Reach Your Highest Potential,” available on Amazon and iBooks.