“You don’t attract what you want. You attract who you are.” Whatever you attract also directly related to where you are mentally.
Now stop for a second. Before giving this a “like” and moving on, please take a minute to answer these questions:
Are you happy with your income?
Are you happy with your relationships?
Are you happy with yourself and with where you’re at in your life right now?
Try to take a FULL MINUTE to think about this.
Usually, when things aren’t going our way, we feel like screaming: “This is not what I want! I deserve better! This is not me. Everyone has what they want EXCEPT ME!” Please allow me to politely tell you that you are WRONG. You were about to like this post, agree with what it said and then learn nothing from it. How’s that “self-improvement” going? You must not only read this, but try to learn something from it. Nobody is perfect nor should they attempt to be. Self-improvement, however, is something everyone should seek at all times.
For most of us, it is very hard to admit, and eventually accept, that we might actually need some help. But the truth is, we all need help. By just admitting that you need help, you are opening yourself up to opportunities for growth. Thus, you must break through the lifelong preconceived notion that you should only ask for help when things are GOING WRONG. Asking for help in the interest of self-improvement is NOT the same as asking for help in times of trouble. And, you know what? There’s nothing wrong with doing either!
It is actually the confusion between these two situations that cause most people to fail in life. These people are constantly bouncing from Bad to Good, Good to Bad, etc., etc., etc. They never get to achieve greatness. No one wants to think, or to assume, that something is actually wrong with them. Ironically, however, we subconsciously believe exactly that about ourselves: Something is wrong with us.
We spin our wheels trying to run away from our deep- seated conceptions of our own dysfunctions. Then, we refuse to believe that we are even doing this to ourselves! But the reality is: You ARE doing it to yourself. You ARE limiting yourself with your beliefs.
But here’s the good news: There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! Everyone needs help if they want to reach their highest potential. World-class athletes hire trainers and coaches to help them get stronger and faster. CEO’s and high profile entrepreneurs hire consultants to help their companies grow. Every successful person has a team behind him or her. Who is your team?
No team? Okay, then what exactly makes you believe you don’t need help in the first place?
It is extremely difficult, almost impossible, to see yourself objectively. Being objective is seeing yourself with a bipartisan eye. Critical, yes, but NEVER judgmental.
I was just like you, probably worse. I was a prejudiced self-righteous jerk who thought he was better and smarter than everyone else. I thought I could muscle my way through my problems just because I was a hard worker and was highly disciplined. Guess what! No matter how many hours I spent at the gym, no matter how many running miles I clocked, thinking those miles would separate me further and further from my problems, I never reached the state of peace I was looking for. In fact, my problems never left me. They actually multiplied. Hard work can help you win a lot of trophies, have a lot of followers, and even provide you with decent income. That type of work is hard. The type of work I want YOU to do, however, is not hard like the work you do at the gym.
It is extremely hard.
It’s not uncomfortable, like the soreness and fatigue you experience after exertion.
It’s not praised, the way successful people are celebrated on the covers of magazines.
It’s laughed at. Ridiculed even!
This is because the inner progress I want you to achieve is not something you can make with ten more minutes on the treadmill or five extra repetitions on the bench. This type of work isn’t something you can order online or achieve with a six-week meal plan. This work can’t be measured in inches or pounds. This type of work is the “inside job”. It’s the type of work whose results you’ll see in your relationships with yourself and with others. It’s a special type of work you do in silence and in solitude. It’s the only type of work you do for yourself and on yourself. It’s your journey.
But how does it work?
Well, let’s start with this basic premise: What, and who you are is determined by where you are mentally.
Everyone goes through distinct periods of development as they move from infants to young adults. During each of these stages, multiple changes in the development of the brain are taking place. What occurs during these developments is genetically determined. Of course, there are also environmental circumstances and exchanges with key individuals within that environment that have a significant influence on how each child benefits from each developmental event. Ages and Stages is a term used to broadly outline key periods in the human development timeline. During each stage, growth and development occur in these primary developmental domains: physical, intellectual/psychological, language, and social/emotional. In order to develop healthy Emotional Intelligence, every one of us has a specific list of needs, which need to be met during our childhood, so that our adulthood can be happy and healthy.
Maslow, the motivational psychologist, once said: “Until you take care of your lower needs, you will never be able to fulfill your higher needs.” The reason most people never fulfill their dreams or achieve their goals is because their basic human needs were never met during their crucial developmental years. The 10 needs listed below supersede any dream or goal that you might have. They are NOT optional; your body and mind are constantly trying to fulfill these needs, both consciously and subconsciously.
- Food And Water.
Your body is and will always be in survival mode, constantly monitoring and thinking about food and water: Where you’ll find it and how you’ll get it. If you didn’t know when or how you’d acquire your next meal, then doing so would become your primary goal. You would spend all your time in search of these things and you would not be able to focus on anything else.
- Clothing And Shelter.
What if you didn’t know where you were sleeping tonight? Could you really concentrate on reading this? One of the reasons you feel calm enough to read this is that you know where you are spending the night and you know you have clothes to wear tomorrow. Without clothes you couldn’t even leave your house. And if you didn’t have these things, you’d need money to acquire them. Only when you found the resources to attain these necessities, would you have the luxury to focus on anything else.
You cannot live without sleep. Sleep sometimes gets a bad rap. It is so easily associated with laziness and/or inertia, both of which are frowned upon in our competitive, fast-moving culture. But the fact is, your body needs sleep. If you don’t get enough rest, your system won’t regenerate the way it’s supposed to, and as a result, you won’t function at an optimum level. Eventually, without sleep, your body and brain will just shut down, which could even lead to death. Don’t punish yourself for needing sleep. It is a necessity for everyone.
- To Love And Be Loved.
We all need love. It is not a choice. You love because you have to, not because you want to. Your body and mind are constantly trying to connect with others through love. You must be able to both give and receive love in order to be fulfilled.
- To Be Held And To Be Touched.
This is a need that starts from the day you were born. The first thing a doctor does when a baby is born is put the baby in the mother’s arms because it needs to be held. If you have a baby and give it food, attention, and clothing, but never touched it in its first year of life, it would develop severe mental and physical problems. In some cases the baby could even die. Touch is a sense like any other, and a child cannot live without stimulation thereof, because being held and touched is crucial to survival. Studies have shown that the more children are held, the smarter and more secure and confident they will be in their lives. Science suggests that we need at least 5 hugs a day. Are you getting yours?
- Acknowledging Your Pain.
Pain is a messenger that demands your attention. If you feel sad, angry, empty, lost, you are not acknowledging your pain. You are trying to do what most people do, which is pretend it doesn’t exist. As much as you are trying to forget your pain, that same pain somehow never seems to want to forget you. What does that tell you? Your body and brain store all the pain and traumatic experiences you have experienced throughout your life. Without acknowledging it, you’ll never be able to release it. Your pain knows you, and that’s why it rules you. Know your pain so you can rule it! Until you do so, resolution will always be out of reach. You might need a mentor or teacher to help you with this need. Are you dealing with your pain? If not, seek help. Doing so is not a sign of weakness. To the contrary, it’s a sign of strength.
- Being Needed.
This is really what family and community is about. A family structure supplies the feeling that you are wanted and needed, that you are stronger together than you are individually. If you don’t feel that anyone needs you or wants you, then there isn’t really a reason to get up in the morning. There is nothing you can accomplish alone. However, in the right group, you can achieve anything. John Lennon once said: “A dream you dream alone is only a dream, but a dream you dream together becomes reality.” Do you have the support you need, and are you giving it to others? We are all one. The more you give, the more you get. The more you get, the more you want to give. This is an infinite cycle of love and fulfillment that you cannot experience unless you are willing to lean and depend on others. This will, in turn, give you the strength to help those in areas where they may feel deficient. We all need each other. There is no getting around this basic human condition, and what a wonderful condition it is!
- Creating A Life Of Meaning.
“Man’s Search For Meaning” is a book by Viktor Frankl. It describes a man who is trying to survive his experiences in a World War II concentration camp. He wants to give his life meaning, even with the abject circumstances under which he’s living. When you have meaning and purpose in your life, you get up in the morning with an unstoppable energy. But if you don’t know your purpose, you are aimlessly wandering around without any direction. At a certain point, you ask yourself: “Why am I here?” We all want to know that our lives have meaning. The more meaningful our lives are, the happier we become. There are two days in our lives that are the most important: “The day we are were born, and the day we learn WHY we were born.”
We are all born wanting to be happy. An optimist sees possibilities and finds hope in the most difficult of times. You cannot live without hope. It is what keeps you going. Hope makes you believe that things are possible. We are naturally attracted to positive, hopeful and optimistic people, because doing so is our true nature. Having a dream is not special. What is special is the person who sees the beauty and importance of said dreams.
10: Love And Trust Yourself.
When you love and trust yourself, you connect to your instincts and follow the messages of your heart. Remember, your heart will never lead you astray, and your instincts will help you fulfill your bliss. You must learn to love yourself and appreciate everything you have to offer. You are working on yourself because of your beliefs and because of your love, far away as they may seem right now. By loving and trusting yourself, you connect with your personal powers. You need these powers to succeed in life. “Only when you learn to trust yourself, will you know how to live.”
These are the ten basic human needs everyone must have during his or her developmental stages. Our parents were also kids themselves, and believe it or not, most of them had very few of these basic human needs met. As a result, they were unable to supply them to you. Amateur parents will end up raising amateur children. Amateur children will turn into amateur adults, and they will raise amateur children, and so on. You can’t grow into an emotionally healthy being as long as your basic needs are not met. These basic human needs are required to live a balanced and healthy life.
Alcoholism and obesity, to mention two, are a result of a failure of a meeting of our needs. When I ask people to talk about their emotions, their needs, their innermost-felt goals, what I’m actually asking is for them to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the first thing we want to see in others, but the last thing me want to show to others. Isn’t that strange? Being vulnerable is being open and completely honest with yourself. Truth is always related to your basic human needs. Truth is a must in order for reality to exist. You can’t achieve your goals if you can’t accept certain truths about yourself. Accepting truth is accepting reality. Accepting truth about yourself is accepting yourself as a perfectly imperfect human being. Accepting truth is loving yourself unconditionally.
Everyone needs to love and to be loved. That’s just one out of ten of our basic human needs. Now imagine the work this process requires.
The needs you need met from the moment you are born until the day you die can’t be put on the back burner or skipped once in a while just because you don’t have the time or are not in the mood to work on yourself. You’re going to rationalize your way out of acquiring these basic requirements.
Rationalization is the cognitive distortion of “the facts” to make an event or an impulse less threatening. We do it often enough on a fairly conscious level when we provide ourselves with excuses. But for many people, with sensitive egos, making excuses comes so easy that they are never truly aware of it. In other words, many of us are quite prepared to believe our lies.
This is a coping mechanism. As you grow up, you develop a relationship between the conscious self and the ideal self (superego), the latter, which is designed to help you thrive. The superego incorporates the values and morals of society, which are learned from one’s parents and others close to them in their early years.
Your ego will help you integrate yourself into your family system, and eventually into society, but your ego needs to be healthy. Your ego is a combination of people’s expectations, your own expectations of yourself, and the ideals and principles designed to protect you (your ego) from the intrusions of the outside world. Your ego/superego develops and basically becomes a part of your DNA as early as 3 to 5 years into your development. Think about that for a minute. Your ego has defined most of who you are by age 5.
And that’s why most of us say: “This is just who I am,” causing us to pursue a faulty behavior pattern. We associate pleasure with happiness and instant gratification with joy. This is a lie, but you don’t know it. You think that the only way to move forward with your life is to rationalize why it was ok for your caretakers or parents to deny you your basic human needs.
The problem, however, is that children are not rational.
Children are resilient, determined creatures intent on adapting to the most pernicious circumstances just to be loved. Nonetheless, children (aka: you) get hurt and are affected for the rest of their lives by the shortcomings of their parents’ own upbringing.
As a child, you must have all your needs met in order to develop a healthy emotional structure: Emotional Intelligence. If you don’t get it during those crucial years, can you foster it within your self years, decades later? The answer is YES, but you have to be willing to take the journey.
Here’s a question for you:
Growing up, what did you need to do in order to be loved?
When I was growing up, I needed to be invisible in order to be loved. As a child, my mother always harassed me. She demanded me to be quiet and to never make a mess. Whether I was eating, sleeping or just being, I was yelled at for making breadcrumbs at the dinner table, soiling the bed sheets, or just talking too loud. This is the type of emotional abuse I endured on a daily basis. As a grew up, I used to look back and think: Yes, I was probably too loud, or maybe too messy. Maybe I was just a bad child.
This was my way of coping with the affection I desperately needed, but never got. So that’s what I ended up searching for, for much of my life.
I remained stuck in that developmental stage for decades. I couldn’t have a successful life, or better said, I couldn’t experience true happiness just because I didn’t get my needs met as a child. As an adult, I always got involved in relationships that I hoped would duplicate my childhood relationship with my mother. Little did I know, I was kind of chasing my own tail. It was a lost cause right from the start. All of this, of course, was happening on a subconscious level. I wasn’t aware of it consciously.
So, may I venture to say that your own perceived shortcomings are a result of your own unawareness?
You just don’t know what you don’t know.
This is who I was as an adult, so this is where I was in terms of my own development. So of course, I attracted like-minded people. I attracted people who treated me the same as I was treated growing up. I jumped from one bad relationship to another. I was an adult child, trying to make sense of an adult world while constantly wrestling with my own developmental shortcomings.
Now you might ask: “What are the symptoms of being an adult child (a person stuck in some unfulfilled developmental stage)?” How do I know if it’s happening to me?
One of the symptoms of developmental deficiency is a lack of communication skills. As children, we want what we want regardless of the outcome, or the consequences it might have later on our career. We act out. We throw tantrums because we didn’t get what we needed growing up. So we turn to instant gratification: Drug abuse, toxic relationships, food, sex, work… These are just a few examples of masks we use to disguise our pain, from ourselves and from others.
Have you ever wondered why you have cravings for certain things, why those cravings are there, why you need to indulge them? ”Cravings” are signs of repressed emotions and developmental deficiency. We use food, drink, drugs, people to replace our feelings. Then, when those addictions get out of hand, we turn to diets, just new forms of addiction. We hold onto fat the same as a child holds on to his father’s love. It’s not about what you eat; it’s about what’s eating you. We become addicted to certain foods based on the type of emotion we lacked growing up. And, as adults, since we are duplicating the relationship we had with our parents, we also crave the same flawed, negative emotional experiences. (Read Doreen Virtue’s book, Constant Cravings.)
Indirectly, by our own statements, we say, or at least imply to ourselves, the following: “I’m just not good enough… I can’t do it… this is not for me… I don’t deserve this…” We say these things to ourselves constantly in desperate attempts to distract us from reality. We keep these destructive inner monologues playing in order to keep ourselves stagnant. Why? Because misery is comfortable. We use negativity to keep us resigned to failure, and we keep the memory of failure as an excuse to do more of the same. Why? Because it’s comfortable. We keep running in circles because that’s what’s familiar. But what if we broke out of our endless destructive cycles and started heading in one direction, the direction that will lead us to the ultimate fulfillment of our purpose in life? You’ve lived with your limiting beliefs, literally, for your entire life. They are the pink elephant in the room, the most self-evident roadblock on your journey to success. But they hide in plain sight. Are you willing to blow their cover?
My own life would have remained in that awful lacking state if I didn’t finally start changing who I was. I read miles of self-improvement literature, attended seminars on achieving success, basically devoting my entire being to a search for truth. My truth. After this entire struggle, it was time for me to reset my computer. During this process, I developed a coaching program designed to help individuals just like me, individuals who needed to turn their lives around. But I had to live it and experience it myself before even considering helping others.
My coaching system is nothing like therapy. I’ve designed tools that will help you break through your negative behavioral patterns. It worked on me, and it will work on you. My tools are effective, but, fair warning, they are also uncomfortable. My coaching system is designed to WAKE YOU UP to your true potential. It isn’t for everyone. It is only for those willing to commit. My journey started over ten years ago. Since then, I have finally ben able to meet a wonderful person whom I’ve fallen in love with, married, and built a beautiful, healthy family with. My business and productivity increases every year. My problem-solving ability has skyrocketed and brought a lot of clarity to my goals and goal-setting processes. I can happily say that I am a changed man.
Over the years, we have built up such high tolerances for pain that we believe the problem has nothing to do with us. The problems are the faults of everyone else (right?). We’re the tough ones getting by in an increasingly ego-maniacal world.
Well sorry, but it’s time to stop flattering yourself. You’re no better than anyone else. The only thing that can set you apart is your willingness to accept your pain, your faults, your shortcomings. You must be willing to improve. Your ego will say no, but you must say yes!
It’s time to disappoint that pesky ego. You ARE good enough. You DO deserve better. Success IS for you, and you can do anything you want. Just put your mind to it. No more circles, only straight lines from here on in! This is the reality your ego doesn’t want you to see, but while you are hiding from your true self, you are also missing out on the opportunities that same self presents to you on a daily basis. Your creativity suffers, your confidence crumbles and your performance is mediocre. Sure, that’s what your ego wants, but is it what YOU want?
You have one life, but countless moments, each of which is an opportunity to grow!
It is your responsibility to live up to your true potential.
Your life is just a reflection of who you are, and where you are mentally. If you’re not happy with where you’re at, then change your life!
It is time to start living the life you were born for and to be the best you can possibly be.
Good luck and God bless.